The Kept Alpha

More on my hooker when I’m in the mood. In the mean time….

I’m in the process of relocating right now. I’ll be travelling for most of the next five months. I travel a lot for work, but I almost never end up trapped up in the corporate hell of downtown convention centers and chain restaurants. (I have been through that ringer before, and vowed never to go back. I’ve never seen so many uninspiring chumps in my life… and the people one surrounds oneself with can influence even the mightiest oak of a man.) I’ll be all over the goddamn place β€” on farms and in clubs and laboratories and cheap hotels β€” so look for posts about game from Africa, Europe, and Latin America in the coming months.

In the meantime, I’ve recently had an interesting refresher course in why I’m not already settled down with a girl of my own age and social background. Because, you see, for the last three weeks, I have been living the lifestyle of a settled man β€” though with one crucial difference, which I will explain below. It was in my financial interests to give up my apartment earlier than my work committments were done. In fact, I kept taking work offers well after I knew I wouldn’t be living here anymore because the thought of making New York income without paying New York prices was very appealing.

At the time, I was having a fun little fling with a girl who was very into me. She had a nice big apartment with plenty of room to spare. When the moment came, I basically told her I would be gone by Calendar Date X, even though I wished I could stay until Calendar Date Y for work reasons and to “spend more time with the people I care about.” That was all the prompting she needed to offer her place to me for the time between X and Y.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been living at her apartment, basically in the style of a boyfriend, with both of us understanding it won’t last. The crucial difference that I mentioned above is that I have this girl so well-trained it’s almost a shame to leave and be on my merry way (almost). She loves to cook for me, she rubs my feet, she does all my laundry and she even basically packed all my boxes and arranged to have them shipped cross-country for me. And she hooks me up with all kinds of free computer gear from her work. And she pays for my drinks. So I can’t say I feel exactly whipped.

Nevertheless, she’s a very jealous girl, and from a certain perspective she has my nuts in a vice. A couple of times I’ve felt like telling her to go fuck herself and I’ve held off because she has all my stuff and I have nowhere else to stay on such short notice, and important work I need to be doing in the meantime. So I’ve basically been on my best behavior like the most whipped beta, foot massages and elaborate dinners or no. Sure I still flirt shamelessy when we go out, enough to make her mad and get jealous and wet and suck me that much more enthusiastically when we get home. But I’m not exactly picking up numbers left and right, and certainly not going out with girls and bringing them back home.

Sure, I’ve got regular access to quality pussy, plus someone running errands for me. But being in this situation for just a few weeks already makes me feel a little antsy. I see the flaws in this girl, how her sell-by date is approaching, how she tends to fuck like a dude with a pussy even though afterwards she clings like a ten-year-old girl.

In the long run, however, I am grateful. It’s been a fine, fun couple of weeks. There’s no harm done. She’s had her alpha-charge and now maybe she can settle down to a nice beta and think of me while they “make love” and go shopping for organic bok choy and listen to “This American Life.” I’m moving on to more interesting things. And this little harmless session of playing the part of the loyal boyfriend has reminded me of some of my core principles.

Personal freedom is only worth sacrificing in small doses, and only in very specific circumstances, and only for a very good reason, and only with some sort of pre-determined end in sight. In the small, limited sense that I “need” this particular for this short period of time, I’ve sold myself short. Even in a longer relationship, the kind I might really commit to, I normally wouldn’t let myself feel trapped by circumstance. I’m not truly trapped now, and like I said, it’s a pretty sweet deal (she came in and refilled my wine glass as I was writing that last sentence). But it’s all a reminder of how important it is to make sure that every thing you do is a choice, and not something you felt forced into.

Any girl who feels like changing my mind about all that, who’s absolutely stunning, who is 23 or younger, who can do and wants to do for me all of the things listed above, and can also paint or recite poetry or play Schubert on the piano, can feel free to drop me a line…

In the meantime, I’m planning back-to-back posts in October comparing the women of Ethiopia with the women of Hollad.

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34 Responses to The Kept Alpha

  1. MTG says:

    I'm new to the blog, but man you've piqued my curiosity. Why the 23-year limit? Too much baggage after that?

  2. MTG says:

    I'm new to the blog, but man you've piqued my curiosity. Why the 23-year limit? Too much baggage after that?

  3. Master Dogen says:

    Why the 23-year limit?

    I'm perfectly happy dating girls in their mid- to late-twenties, too. But if I'm even going to think about making a long-term committment to a girl, she better be near perfect. That includes having the fresh skin and tight body of a younger girl.

    If she is, say, 10 years younger than me, then when I am 40, she is a still decent 30. Settle down with a 30 year old and you only have a couple of years with her till she enters hag-mode.

  4. Master Dogen says:

    Why the 23-year limit?I'm perfectly happy dating girls in their mid- to late-twenties, too. But if I'm even going to think about making a long-term committment to a girl, she better be near perfect. That includes having the fresh skin and tight body of a younger girl. If she is, say, 10 years younger than me, then when I am 40, she is a still decent 30. Settle down with a 30 year old and you only have a couple of years with her till she enters hag-mode.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Dogen, what's the line of work you're in that enables you to see so much of the world?

  6. Anonymous says:

    Dogen, what's the line of work you're in that enables you to see so much of the world?

  7. Marquis says:

    your reference to avoiding feeling “forced into doing things” is the death knell of any relationship for me. that is the source of disdain for me in any LTR. the expectation, the fight over me being expected to do things i don't want to do…..ugh.

  8. Marquis says:

    your reference to avoiding feeling "forced into doing things" is the death knell of any relationship for me. that is the source of disdain for me in any LTR. the expectation, the fight over me being expected to do things i don't want to do…..ugh.

  9. Rake says:

    New to the blog and I think your writing is great, but what's up with the slam on This American Life? Love that show! πŸ™‚

  10. Rake says:

    New to the blog and I think your writing is great, but what's up with the slam on This American Life? Love that show! πŸ™‚

  11. MTG says:

    Clever, clever.

    I have just decided I am not going to be serious with my current 23-y-o GF. Nice.

    Just kidding.

  12. MTG says:

    Clever, clever. I have just decided I am not going to be serious with my current 23-y-o GF. Nice.Just kidding.

  13. lesenjournal says:

    Any girl who feels like changing my mind about all that, who's absolutely stunning, who is 23 or younger, who can do and wants to do for me all of the things listed above, and can also paint or recite poetry or play Schubert on the piano, can feel free to drop me a line…

    I used to do all those things for my ex, save being “absolutely stunning”. I was 19, and he was 25 – fresh out of law school. He was a total sociopath, and never appreciated any of it, which obvious made me long for his affections even more. Plus, I did this in the full knowledge that he was moving to another city in a couple months, like your self-example, except I didn't bother him about other girls. I didn't want to nag him and sacrifice his attention.

  14. lesenjournal says:

    Any girl who feels like changing my mind about all that, who's absolutely stunning, who is 23 or younger, who can do and wants to do for me all of the things listed above, and can also paint or recite poetry or play Schubert on the piano, can feel free to drop me a line…I used to do all those things for my ex, save being "absolutely stunning". I was 19, and he was 25 – fresh out of law school. He was a total sociopath, and never appreciated any of it, which obvious made me long for his affections even more. Plus, I did this in the full knowledge that he was moving to another city in a couple months, like your self-example, except I didn't bother him about other girls. I didn't want to nag him and sacrifice his attention.

  15. Master Dogen says:

    Anonymous said…

    Dogen, what's the line of work you're in that enables you to see so much of the world?

    What I do is very, very specific and almost no one else in the world does quite what I do, and if I revealed it I would basically be giving up my anonymity, which I value.

    To give you some sort of answer, I can tell you that I basically created my own job. I am a consultant of sorts. I made it my business to become very expert in a field that I find highly interesting and pleasurable. Technically I own my own business, but there's no real capital involved beyond my small home office, a bit of equipment and my own knowledge. Currently I'm in the process of parleying my expertise into an actual buying/selling business that promises higher risks and more money. Sorry I can't be more specific.

    Marquis said…

    your reference to avoiding feeling “forced into doing things” is the death knell of any relationship for me. that is the source of disdain for me in any LTR. the expectation, the fight over me being expected to do things i don't want to do…..ugh.

    You said it brother. I'm glad I had this refresher course to remind me of all that without any real damage done.

    Rake said…

    New to the blog and I think your writing is great, but what's up with the slam on This American Life? Love that show! πŸ™‚

    You know what's really funny, Rake? I just had a discussion about that show with the woman I describe in this blog post. She's a big fan, too. I'll tell you what I told her. “This American Life” was really innovative when it first came out, and it's probably better and more intelligent that 95% of radio or TV out there. So it probably doesn't deserve the abuse. But it has a very specific tone, all the time. And once you have heard it enough, it just gets really fucking old. It's excruciatingly SWPL, of course, which isn't necessarily a deal-breaker, but it doesn't exactly help. Plus, Ira Glass strikes me as the kind of smug phony who, if you pointed out his smug phoniness, would listen “respectfully” and shake his head and then later tell his friends about how sorry he felt for you. Also, I'm almost positive he couldn't defend himself for 15 seconds in a fist fight.

    lesenjournal said…

    I used to do all those things for my ex

    Really? Including the painting, poetry, and/or Schubert? Drop me a line. Your level of stunningness might be worth investigating.

    And the sweetie in question didn't exactly “bother” me about other girls. I just didn't bring any home to fuck on the couch in front of her. Not that it wouldn't have been enjoyable for all parties.

  16. Master Dogen says:

    Anonymous said…Dogen, what's the line of work you're in that enables you to see so much of the world?What I do is very, very specific and almost no one else in the world does quite what I do, and if I revealed it I would basically be giving up my anonymity, which I value.To give you some sort of answer, I can tell you that I basically created my own job. I am a consultant of sorts. I made it my business to become very expert in a field that I find highly interesting and pleasurable. Technically I own my own business, but there's no real capital involved beyond my small home office, a bit of equipment and my own knowledge. Currently I'm in the process of parleying my expertise into an actual buying/selling business that promises higher risks and more money. Sorry I can't be more specific.Marquis said…your reference to avoiding feeling "forced into doing things" is the death knell of any relationship for me. that is the source of disdain for me in any LTR. the expectation, the fight over me being expected to do things i don't want to do…..ugh.You said it brother. I'm glad I had this refresher course to remind me of all that without any real damage done.Rake said…New to the blog and I think your writing is great, but what's up with the slam on This American Life? Love that show! πŸ™‚You know what's really funny, Rake? I just had a discussion about that show with the woman I describe in this blog post. She's a big fan, too. I'll tell you what I told her. "This American Life" was really innovative when it first came out, and it's probably better and more intelligent that 95% of radio or TV out there. So it probably doesn't deserve the abuse. But it has a very specific tone, all the time. And once you have heard it enough, it just gets really fucking old. It's excruciatingly SWPL, of course, which isn't necessarily a deal-breaker, but it doesn't exactly help. Plus, Ira Glass strikes me as the kind of smug phony who, if you pointed out his smug phoniness, would listen "respectfully" and shake his head and then later tell his friends about how sorry he felt for you. Also, I'm almost positive he couldn't defend himself for 15 seconds in a fist fight.lesenjournal said… I used to do all those things for my exReally? Including the painting, poetry, and/or Schubert? Drop me a line. Your level of stunningness might be worth investigating.And the sweetie in question didn't exactly "bother" me about other girls. I just didn't bring any home to fuck on the couch in front of her. Not that it wouldn't have been enjoyable for all parties.

  17. lesenjournal says:

    can also paint or recite poetry or play Schubert on the piano

    Key words: or. I can play Schubert, but I'm partial to Rachmaninov or Chopin. I can also recite poetry. Painting is a definite, “no”, unless you like children's artwork.

    Men like you break women's hearts. That ex in question certainly broke mine. You see, we do those things to ultimately earn your sole, monogamous affection, but to no effect I see!

  18. lesenjournal says:

    can also paint or recite poetry or play Schubert on the pianoKey words: or. I can play Schubert, but I'm partial to Rachmaninov or Chopin. I can also recite poetry. Painting is a definite, "no", unless you like children's artwork.Men like you break women's hearts. That ex in question certainly broke mine. You see, we do those things to ultimately earn your sole, monogamous affection, but to no effect I see!

  19. Master Dogen says:


    Key words: or. I can play Schubert, but I'm partial to Rachmaninov or Chopin. I can also recite poetry. Painting is a definite, “no”, unless you like children's artwork.

    Color me impressed. And I think children's artwork is adorable.

    Men like you break women's hearts. That ex in question certainly broke mine. You see, we do those things to ultimately earn your sole, monogamous affection, but to no effect I see!

    Sounds to me from your story that you deliberately set yourself up to have your heart broken. He already explicitly told you he was leaving town? Don't blame other people for your own wishful thinking/stupidity.

    As for “men like me,” you are probably right. But you know, everyone's had their heart broken, and hard, including “men like me.” Γ‡a c'est la vie, n'est-ce pas?

  20. Master Dogen says:

    Key words: or. I can play Schubert, but I'm partial to Rachmaninov or Chopin. I can also recite poetry. Painting is a definite, "no", unless you like children's artwork. Color me impressed. And I think children's artwork is adorable.Men like you break women's hearts. That ex in question certainly broke mine. You see, we do those things to ultimately earn your sole, monogamous affection, but to no effect I see!Sounds to me from your story that you deliberately set yourself up to have your heart broken. He already explicitly told you he was leaving town? Don't blame other people for your own wishful thinking/stupidity.As for "men like me," you are probably right. But you know, everyone's had their heart broken, and hard, including "men like me." Γ‡a c'est la vie, n'est-ce pas?

  21. 11minutes says:

    I feel like taking on the role of advocatus diabolio on that one.

    If a woman truly loves a man and understands about the essence of masculinity (“the struggle for greater freedom”), a fulfilling relationship is well possible.

    Of course, in reality, most women are unable to deal with the kind of “True Man” they claim to dream of. Instead of reveling in the presence of masculinity, they will try to beta-ize the shit out of a guy once he goes beyond pounding their ass after a drunk call. The feeling of restriction is a direct result of that.

    Guys who claim that they “just” want a girlfriend don't realize what they get themselves into. In order to get laid, you only need to come across as the biggest alpha male around for a few minutes to hours between initial meet and sex. In order to have two happy partners in a relationship you need to manage the seemingly impossible: be attainable while remaining unattainable at the same time.

  22. 11minutes says:

    I feel like taking on the role of advocatus diabolio on that one.If a woman truly loves a man and understands about the essence of masculinity ("the struggle for greater freedom"), a fulfilling relationship is well possible.Of course, in reality, most women are unable to deal with the kind of "True Man" they claim to dream of. Instead of reveling in the presence of masculinity, they will try to beta-ize the shit out of a guy once he goes beyond pounding their ass after a drunk call. The feeling of restriction is a direct result of that. Guys who claim that they "just" want a girlfriend don't realize what they get themselves into. In order to get laid, you only need to come across as the biggest alpha male around for a few minutes to hours between initial meet and sex. In order to have two happy partners in a relationship you need to manage the seemingly impossible: be attainable while remaining unattainable at the same time.

  23. lesenjournal says:

    He already explicitly told you he was leaving town? Don't blame other people for your own wishful thinking/stupidity.

    He knew he would be moving when we started dating, but didn't tell me until after I had become attached. And no, it wasn't a lie because I helped him move (at his behest).

    The difference between men and women (amongst a host of others) is that men get truly, terribly heartbroken once and amend their “bad” habits, and women set themselves up for continual heartbreak.

    Oui, c'est la vie, mais j'suis optimiste en amour.

  24. lesenjournal says:

    He already explicitly told you he was leaving town? Don't blame other people for your own wishful thinking/stupidity.He knew he would be moving when we started dating, but didn't tell me until after I had become attached. And no, it wasn't a lie because I helped him move (at his behest).The difference between men and women (amongst a host of others) is that men get truly, terribly heartbroken once and amend their "bad" habits, and women set themselves up for continual heartbreak.Oui, c'est la vie, mais j'suis optimiste en amour.

  25. Master Dogen says:

    He knew he would be moving when we started dating, but didn't tell me until after I had become attached.

    Hedge, hedge.

    Neverthess, I hear you. Ok.

    The difference between men and women (amongst a host of others) is that men get truly, terribly heartbroken once and amend their “bad” habits, and women set themselves up for continual heartbreak.

    Interesting theory. I think you might be right. But are you slipping in some sort of martyr complex for the poor, long-suffering women here? Is it not their own fault then? And if the answer is “Yes, it's their own fault,” do you wish to then imply that “Yeah, but that's cause we're so sweet and lovely and vulnerable.” ? Cause if so, I actually agree, but I'd like to hear you say it. It's not explicit in your words and, this being the internet, you've left yourself plenty of room to deny, deny. But I'm sure you can see what I'm getting at.

    And I've been heartbroken more than once, but each time it's in a new and surprising way!

  26. Master Dogen says:

    He knew he would be moving when we started dating, but didn't tell me until after I had become attached.Hedge, hedge.Neverthess, I hear you. Ok.The difference between men and women (amongst a host of others) is that men get truly, terribly heartbroken once and amend their "bad" habits, and women set themselves up for continual heartbreak.Interesting theory. I think you might be right. But are you slipping in some sort of martyr complex for the poor, long-suffering women here? Is it not their own fault then? And if the answer is "Yes, it's their own fault," do you wish to then imply that "Yeah, but that's cause we're so sweet and lovely and vulnerable." ? Cause if so, I actually agree, but I'd like to hear you say it. It's not explicit in your words and, this being the internet, you've left yourself plenty of room to deny, deny. But I'm sure you can see what I'm getting at.And I've been heartbroken more than once, but each time it's in a new and surprising way!

  27. lesenjournal says:

    Alright:

    Women are martyrs because we sacrifice our hearts to be stepped on by men. We volunteer our sex, our domestic skills, oodles of affection (pet names, massages, haircuts [yes, really], kisses, hugs, packed home-made lunches, etc.), and general servitude in exchange for some external validation in the name of love. And we do this on a continual basis, despite the terrible months long torture we endure after a break-up. Why? Because we're sweet and lovely and vulnerable.

    Not to say that many women don't become hardened after time, but I have no personal experience with this so I can't really vouch for the phenomenon. I still maintain that our natural condition entails a trusting sort of susceptibility.

    I'm still in susceptible mode, but healthily aware of game and the male motive: sex. I let myself get gamed once, with the aforementioned ex, and I don't want to let it happen again. Not because I don't love men (they're my biggest weakness), but because I want a loving relationship not to be “pumped and dumped”.

  28. lesenjournal says:

    Alright:Women are martyrs because we sacrifice our hearts to be stepped on by men. We volunteer our sex, our domestic skills, oodles of affection (pet names, massages, haircuts [yes, really], kisses, hugs, packed home-made lunches, etc.), and general servitude in exchange for some external validation in the name of love. And we do this on a continual basis, despite the terrible months long torture we endure after a break-up. Why? Because we're sweet and lovely and vulnerable.Not to say that many women don't become hardened after time, but I have no personal experience with this so I can't really vouch for the phenomenon. I still maintain that our natural condition entails a trusting sort of susceptibility.I'm still in susceptible mode, but healthily aware of game and the male motive: sex. I let myself get gamed once, with the aforementioned ex, and I don't want to let it happen again. Not because I don't love men (they're my biggest weakness), but because I want a loving relationship not to be "pumped and dumped".

  29. 11minutes says:

    I still maintain that our natural condition entails a trusting sort of susceptibility.

    The vast majority of guys out there who are “sweet, lovely, vulnerable and susceptible” themselves. Anyone of them would happily provide you with a “loving relationship”. In fact, most men in you life are such guys without an “edge”. And how interesting are they to you?

    Ask anyone of these “nice guys” about heart break (or some guys on this blog before they found their more masculine self), and you will hear amazing stories about how cold blooded women act when they feel trapped in a relationship with a beta male.

    Some of these and related stories that you can find using the links on the side bar might also change your mind about sex being the “male motive”. Any guy who ever went home with a girl from a bar too drunk to perform will know what girls get like when they get denied their fix.

    Sex is biology's motive.

    I let myself get gamed once, with the aforementioned ex, and I don't want to let it happen again
    You're getting gamed as we speak.

    And it is fun watching you qualify yourself (Schubert, okay; but Rachmaninoff was a little bit over the top)…

  30. 11minutes says:

    I still maintain that our natural condition entails a trusting sort of susceptibility.The vast majority of guys out there who are "sweet, lovely, vulnerable and susceptible" themselves. Anyone of them would happily provide you with a "loving relationship". In fact, most men in you life are such guys without an "edge". And how interesting are they to you?Ask anyone of these "nice guys" about heart break (or some guys on this blog before they found their more masculine self), and you will hear amazing stories about how cold blooded women act when they feel trapped in a relationship with a beta male.Some of these and related stories that you can find using the links on the side bar might also change your mind about sex being the "male motive". Any guy who ever went home with a girl from a bar too drunk to perform will know what girls get like when they get denied their fix.Sex is biology's motive.I let myself get gamed once, with the aforementioned ex, and I don't want to let it happen againYou're getting gamed as we speak. And it is fun watching you qualify yourself (Schubert, okay; but Rachmaninoff was a little bit over the top)…

  31. Anonymous says:

    “Any guy who ever went home with a girl from a bar too drunk to perform will know what girls get like when they get denied their fix.”

    By all means 11,fill us in.

    “Sex is biology's motive.”

    Brilliant summation!

  32. Anonymous says:

    "Any guy who ever went home with a girl from a bar too drunk to perform will know what girls get like when they get denied their fix."By all means 11,fill us in."Sex is biology's motive."Brilliant summation!

  33. lesenjournal says:

    11minutes,

    OK, so I see your point, but there's a gender structure that dictates those mores.

    Piano is my only skill aside from pontificating; I might as well play it up πŸ™‚

    Never said I didn't enjoy male validation.

  34. lesenjournal says:

    11minutes,OK, so I see your point, but there's a gender structure that dictates those mores.Piano is my only skill aside from pontificating; I might as well play it up :)Never said I didn't enjoy male validation.

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